[ The Memories ]
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
farking misunderstanding
wah lao, really hate mike man.
can't believe it... dunno where to start oso.
issit my fault??
-.- ...............
i've mentioned before once in my blog that this is a small world...
mike's schmate (an aj) is linked to ian's blog, which i chanced upon one day. n rite in front of me jumps out the words "mike" n "plaza sing". how farking creepy is that?!
n even more coincidentally, it was the 'fren' whom mike told me dropped by at ps andersen on valentine's day.
the two (the schmate's blog entry bout his visit to ps n mike's account of it) actually links; then i jus confirmed wif mike the following day: "was his name i***??". and it is.
jus how farking small in this world??!!
din reveal anything bout his blog or even how i noe bout him, left mike to guess cluelessly.
everyone has things they'd rather keep private, either to themselves or their close circle of frens, which is the reason why we keep blogs anyway.
yeah... ts how i 'knew' bout this guy.
nv tot i'd actually have anything to do wif him cos i'd tot this is jus a one time episode.
but...
i can't believe mike actually told him wat i knew him or wat my fren told me bout him??! wat shit is that??! i left him to guess cluelessly cos i wan him to forget the matter after i'd satisfied my curiosity, not to lead him into fabricating ideas of his own~!!
was away for dinner break wif xiang n 'godpa' upstairs when i got a call from mike to tell me tt his schmate is here, was waiting to c who i am after he (mike the blardy idiot) had told him i knew him, n begged me to pls, pls pls pls dun tell his schmate tt he'd gossiped bout him before. wtf??!
if he was so worried tt his schmate wud noe bout his gossipping or speculating bout him, y did he start telling him bout me anyway (a false account at tt since he dunno the truth) when all the evidence pts to mike himself obviously having said "something" bout his fren to draw my attention to him... if i do tell his schmate the truth bout how i know him.
i have no qualms doing that, cos it isn't smth sneaky tt i've to hide.
i dun even mind handing my own blog addy to the guy jus so tt he'll noe how i knew him n make things equal. n my god! it was onli tt one time when i linked to his addy n mike's awful name caught my attention!!
n now i'm going to have it on my conscience as if it was i who revealed smth personal to mike bout him. when all i farking asked was "was his name i***?" !!???
got veri mad after tt guy left n demanded to noe wat mike told him.
tts when he meekly revealed all the stuff he told him...
was so angry i felt like punching him after tt.
since when did i say anything he said i said??!!
jus becos he pieced together wat i'd said before n form his own conclusions doens't mean he's rite ok??! or that he can put words into my mouth to save his own skin!!
lectured n corrected him for an hr or so after tt.
does he even noe wat kind of trouble he can cause me??
apparently the thick-head din realize wat his words had done. n when it slowly sunk into him his mistake, he was still so thick as not to realize it was his mistake.
feeling veri veri bad now....
like i got misunderstood for nth.
farking bad ending after an enjoyable dinner.
n now i'm worried of how wud ian think of me??!
like it was his link n i dun wan to get him into trouble?
esp if tt guy's really his fren.
reallyreally worried...
ian, if u're reading this, so sorry...
dun mean to cause u so much trouble...
so sorry...
wtf...
feel so farking betrayed n misunderstood.
like someone stabbing me in my back n putting words into my mouth.
thanks for ruining my rep to save ya own skin ya, mike?
thanks so much.
n then, there was the nagging tug at my conscience tt it is my fault...
my fault for being so k-poh as to click on other pple's blog links n catching sight of mike's name.
my fault for not keeping my curiosity to myself.
my fault for asking tt big-mouth gossip the guy's name.
my fault for under-estimating mike's capacity for badness n evil-doing.
my fault oso for not explaining to tt guy clearly before he left.
really dunno how to clear up the mess he made now...
explaining to him wud require me to tell him wat mike had said bout him, n tt wud probably ruin their frenship (if there was any to begin wif...).
not explaining wud drag my n ian's name into the mud.
explaining wud seem like i'm trying to cover up my mistake n find excuses for myself.
not explaining wud seem like its really true.
wat the hell.
tml's my last day at work.
but i'm sick of seeing him ever again.
not the least tml.
tot i'd end our working days on a gd note so tt i'll leave him a gd impression for the future.
after today, my impression of him has so nosedived tt i can't see myself keeping him as a fren anymore.
i dunno bout him, but this has sure taught me a lesson.
never to trust anybody so readily again.
not wif one's words or secrets.
but oso wif ya intuition of a person's positive character.
it has proved me wrong n done me more harm than good.
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 12:55 AM
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
busy working
seems like a long time since i last blogged huh?
man... bout two weeks or more??
but time passes so fast, so many things happened within these time.
let me recap the more impt things tt had happened over this time...
(i feel like such a traitor to my own blog, fancy having to summarize 2, 3 weeks worth of stuff in one entry -.- )
busy working.
called n tok to layhoon, tom chan n ms. lai bout uni thingy.
busy working.
decided not to retake as private candidate... i think??
busy working.
went chiong at zouk wif huishi n gang last week (or was it last last week??).
busy working.
made frens wif pple working ard me.
busy working.
went drinking wif them.
busy working.
hate mike.
busy working.
"showhand" wif xiang.
busy working.
hate mike somemore.
busy working.
gotta find time to do my universities applications.
busy working.
more applications to do.
busy working.
supporting documents to gather.
busy working.
n finally off today~!!
photocopying supporting documents today, jus discovered i'd forgotten to photocopy my ic~!! wah lao -.-
supposed to off tml actually to go out wif stella.
but since off today le...
zhiwei they all (workplace neighbours) wanna go m.o.s pub chiong tml.
can't even off tml to gao ding my other applications.
smu applications are so troublesome.
n sim... i havent decided wat courses i wan from there.
hai... if onli i can get into nus =/
pls god!
let me get into a course i wan in a local uni~!!!
bleeeaaaah.
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 11:28 PM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
mood: top three most troubling times in my life
really no mood these days.
the harsh realization of my grades still haven't sank in yet...
kept imagining i'll wake up in my bed the next morning to discover the past few days have jus been a bad dream. yeah... the whole experience has been that surreal.
dun wan to tok bout it here; those who shd know about it knows it already.
rite now i dun need anybody's "oh dear...". i need supporters. or pple who can provide me wif conducive suggestions.
thank you, ian.
its really appreciated.
am wondering shd i register as private candidate.
but so many hurdles... there's the big problem of whether one of my lit papers (autobio n bio) has really been terminated: will it still be offered in this year's cambridge paper if i choose to retake my A later this year. if it isn't, i'm in trouble. then the problem of whether i'll be able to cope wif studying for econs (or lit for that matter) on my own. already e-mailed moe to enquire bout this, waiting for their reply now...
taken a day off from work today to call up n ask everything i need to noe.
unfortunately, none have brought me any definite answers.
i still have to wait til june for the results of my application to the local universities. or have to wait til march 15 to register as private candidate if i finally decide on that route. havent really checked up on the polytechnics yet, but noe i really am not interested in that route...
or if i have to check them up, at least there's mike (as in the slacker mike at work) ard to help me make an informed choice (wats jae?? diao... have never ever bothered to count my l1r4 before).
think that boy's starting to grow on me.
can u imagine him offering to be my bank loan guaranter when i told him i need two pple wif steady income to be my bank loan guaranters?voluntarily.
(if i do get into uni, i mite need a bank loan. but judging from how things are going, i'll be lucky jus to get into uni.)
don't noe wat's the boy thinking.
too trusting. n he does not have a steady income.
but yeah... really touched.
he n a few others have been diligently helping me search for alternative routes. but still, somehow or other, my path still looks unclear.
wat should i do?
ms. lai's calling me tml.
maybe she'll have an answer.
god. pls let me get into a desired course at nus this year.
i dun mind converting to christ n attending sunday church every week if this really happens! aaaarrrrrgh.
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 12:39 AM
Thursday, March 04, 2004
2 days to 'a' levels results release
hanxiang payed us a surprise visit today!!
so happy n surprised to see her~ >.<
hehe =p
so sweet of her oso...
said that she'd be there for me when we get our results.
u cant imagine how touched i am to hear that.
thats def what i need if my results turned out to all suck... a close fren's comforting words n shoulders to cry on.
will be meeting her (n xiang) before we get our results n after that too.
gonna draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag our lunch so that we'll reach our schs damn late when most of the others have left.
already planning our escape routes from our schs once we get our results.
tho i'd love to stay n thank all (or most of) the teachers who'd taught me, to expressed my really heartfelt gratitude (we've not been an easy class *esp econs* n i've not been an exceptionally easy student...), but...
no way i'll be able to face the teachers after they noe my results.
esp ms. lai n ms. latimer.
can imagine ms. lai's sad n sorry look for me when her worst fear comes true (that her worst econs student has really flunk)... she's really a very dedicated, sweet n senisitive teacher, really dun wan to let her down... but i can't imagine otherwise.
n ms. latimer.
one of the onli teachers in jj who'd put hopes in me.
can already imagine her fierce n incredulous "wat happened?!" as her gaze bore into me...
these two mental pictures bore vividly into my mind whenever i think of getting my results.
they're the two teachers i most wan to thank, but also the two whom i'll have the least courage to see after the results.
thank goodness we'll most prob be getting our results from our civics teachers instead of our subject teachers.
but no doubt that all our subject teachers will already noe our reults n will be lingering in the hall during the release time...
i dun plan on going early (in fact, if it goes according to plan, i shd be *very very* late), but there dun seem to be escaping them.
most prob taking off day tml.
damn eye contact lens infection again.
keep tearing since ytd n it stings all the time, esp when i look into bright lights.
peiling (a neighbouring shop fren we'd made at work), who'd been in this line before checked my eye for me at an optician shop said it could be something serious n suggest that i go see a doctor n get some anti-bacteria eyedrops from him before it turn into something more serious n i become blind. horrors of horrors! no! i treasure my eyes too much! n i'm too old to learn to 'read' the blind pple's language thru touches!
of cos i have to stop lens wear for a couple of weeks. again.
god, when wud my eyes stop giving me trouble??
think i'll switch to hard lens once my monthly disposable soft lenses are used up =/
which is in bout 3-6 months time??
god.
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 1:13 AM
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
missin' 02A6
glo n shihan dropped by my workplace tonite :)
n dropped a nasty msg as well that "A level results are going to be out this week: wed or fri".
oh oh ohhhhhhhhh......
*moans in despair*
was so blissfully ignorant of it until then.
had actually forgotten bout its release already??
yeah, knew it'll be released after the 'o's release, but not this soon?!
god, how has time passed...
one thing good bout having this job at plaza sing is meeting so many jc, sec n pri sch frens, already met countless of them :)
saw claudia the other day; or rather, she saw me.
so qiao was jus thinking of her the other day oso.
miss the class pple...
tho i havent been very close wif claudia before, but i've missed the optimism, joyfulness n cheerful chatter she brings to the class n wherever she goes.
even the pple i tot i havent been very close wif are starting to tug at my heartstrings everytime i think of the class n the times we've spent.
layhoon n her fortrightness.
shermaine n her 'san-baness'.
aida n her "best fren".
chi n his marvellous rappings n impersonations.
narzirah n her sexy j.low impersonation.
minghann n his sweetness n helpfulness.
mingyang n his queer little lopsided grin tt always tickles me whenever i see it.
n of cos, ian n glo.
yeah... i miss them al'rite.
ironically, most of the above i've nv formed very firm frenships wif.
yet they had brought wat little colours into my drab n mundane jc life.
its onli now when u've lost these things tt u start to cherish them more.
how i long to be happy, tho never carefree, but at least happy like those times again.
i wonder are they thinking along the same lines as me?
heard from many pple (those who'd stepped into society already, n esp teachers) that its only when u'd started working that u'll appreciate n start to wish u're back in ya schdays.
this is esp true for me now that i've started working full-time n can fully ti hui the lost joys of the classrooms (or outside of it).
i'll be meeting them when we go to collect our 'a' level results of cos, but i dun think it'll be the same.
dun think many pple wud have the mood to stay n bond after that.
the ones wif good results wud be over the moon n out to celebrate wif equally exuberant frens.
the ones dissapointing grades jiu bu yong shuo le.
hai...
guess i shdn't even be thinking bout bonding when we noe which category i'll fall into already...
wondering how shd i nurse my broken heart after that...
i'm sure i dun wan to go out n face the world who'll noe that its the 'a' level's release that day.
dun wan to go down to bt to hear alzar-the-straight-as-scholarship-award-winning-overseas-graduate ask me bout how i fare, n telling me my grades are "ok for a jjcian wat". i swear i'll box him good.
think my frens who're going to receve outstanding grades wud not wan to be ard a weeping bleedingheart who's gonna wetblanket their happiness oso.
who can i find to console me?? =/
(yeah, i'll need consoling then hor, frens *hinting*)
think i'll jus return home to mope around the whole day...
=/
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 1:46 AM
