[ The Memories ]
Monday, January 31, 2005
"The exit is this way, Mdm."
First date wif a new guy ytd...
Tho its nothing new already, but i'm getting stressed up jus thinking how i'm gonna keep those guys in check...
How can i keep dating but still feel nth??
Xiang says its gd tt guys dote on me, or like me more than i like them, as opposed to the other way round (urg, i wun wan to deal wif all tt angst too). esp since most relationships start to turn painful when the guy starts to feel too sure of the gal's love n start to take the gal n the things in their relationship for granted.
But its hard to settle down wif a guy n commit to a relationship if i dun feel anything for him isn't it?
where is the chemistry, the sparks, the attraction they feel for me that is totally lost on me?? maybe u really have to like a guy back n reciprocate his feelings to fully understand the things he's feeling...
Already i'm thinking to jus putting an end to it.
but this also requires courage to dash their hopes n hurt them...
tho i dun feel for them romantically, but even as a fren, i cant bear the tot of hurting a person like this (believe me, i have my own share of broken hearts too) n the guilt i noe i'll feel towards them if i jus reject them now...
I see them as frens, pple i can enjoy going out with, but they obviously wan more out of me than i'm prepared to commit.
n i feel bad for not being able to return their feelings.
Its easy to jus agree to being in a relationship - it takes nth more than a simple "yes".
But then, unless i love the person, it wun be special.
n i'd hate to have unmeaningful relationships tt i noe are going nowhere.
Do u all understand wat i mean??
n wif my exams coming up, its more time then i can spare on things tt may not work out...
on the otherhand, tt can be a good (n valid) reason for me to stop seeing them n jus let things fade away.
the coward's way out.
but aside from hurting them outrightly, its the most practical way out...
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 6:03 PM
Thursday, January 27, 2005
fa xie
Been so busy these two weeks. (Or actually, since my birthday.)
Even without work now, i'm still having a hard time juggling my school, friends, old friends, preparing n celebrating for hx's n xiang's n her mum's upcoming birthdays, the few guys, the rush n stress of shopping for my CNY's clothes, n my (nearly non-existent) studies.
Besetted by money woes...
there's still the various fees i've to pay for my sch registration fees, workshops, n stuff. not to mention the impending sch fees for the new sch 'year' of 4K plus in july or august... n my sis' sch fees, whether she wans to go to poly (which she's warming to the idea but dreads becos of the sch fees n the fact tt she has no clothes to change/wear to sch everyday -.-) or JC (which she dreads cos it'll either mean she might not be able to make it to a local Uni or our family will not have the money to put her thru Uni after JC)...
The poor thing... really dun wan her to worry so much over our family's financial status actually since she's so young. no sense putting a weary head on her shoulders since she can't help wif the problem except worrying only.
but listening to her talk bout this Poly/JC prob of hers is making me pretty depressed too. makes me re-consider my own Uni/money status again (tho its never far from my mind) n yeah... i dun wan to regret not studying when i get back a *touch wood* bad grade (a waste of money by itself since i'm paying by each module i take) n then have to worry bout the extra money to retake the module next yr or wat.
Though i dun mind going out to work for a year to save some money (if things actually come to this) for my n my sis' sch fees, but realistically, the amt i can earn n save in one year doing wat admin job or watever i can take up wont even amount to a single year's sch fees for myself n my sis =/
wth.
Really feel like hitting, scolding or cursing at my father whenever i think of the predicament we're in. Screw him. fark fark fark.
It's getting more difficult for me to be civil with him.
taking me every bit f my self-control every time i see him to not show my disgust n anger explicitly.
i dunno if my mum or sis could tell, but it feels so false.
Rationally smoothing my brow n maintaining a straight face when he comes into a 5-meter radius. while all the time on the inside i feel so wretchedly towards him. disdain. repulsion. hate.
Ironically, i'm the only one in the family now to still get along ok with him n try to talk to him cordially most of the time now. Sometimes i wonder does he noe how i felt towards him, esp since we were so close last time.
He's my father. I dunno should i hate him, or support him.
I feel such extreme hate sometimes tt the conception of 'love' doesn't even come into the picture. but other times, when i see or imagine how lonely he is...
Even i know rationally that i must have some shred of kinship feelings left for him, but the most tangible n obvious feeling i feel for him most of the time now aside from anger or disdain, is pity.
n how do u further lose respect for ya own father than feeling pity for him?!!
I hate it! I just hate it!
n yet, i cant let him noe cos i worry tt i may hurt his pride.
this is a damn fucked-up world.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!
WATEVER.
On a lighter note, one small small small part of my money prob can be taken care of somewhat.
Have kai (or spent) more than 1.5K of B's money in total just on clothes, perfume, cosmetics n accesories alone the last time i counted... amassed over these couple of months.
still haven worn some so may wear them for new year.
hai...
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 1:12 AM
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Food and Study itinery... NOT!
Went out wif Huishi n Hanxiang on mon n tues respectively.
will be meeting up wif them again next week or smth.
Hanxiang's birthday coming up next... n after that, Xiang's.
oooh... headache.
how am i gonna celebrate her bday for her each year that will top her celebrations for mine?! headache...
oooh! Hanxiang will most prob be moving to Cashew Heights condo (in bt. panjang) somewhere in March to stay for 2-3 months while they await their new home!!
yea!! >.<
hoogah hoogah hoogah!
n Huishi's staying at Cashew Heights (?) too?
such a coincidence :)
made study plans wif Huishi (provided i actually carry it out), n now that Hanxiang's moving to Bt panjang, there'll be someone to study together wif le~ heh.
Tho Hx's uni exams prob ended by the time she moves here in March n my last lap will begin then (big exams in May), but she said she'll give me moral support by baking stuff everyday for me, lolx! ;p
yummy~ =9
she haven't tried my spaghetti too... ;)
"Cookies on monday, brownies on tuesday, spaghetti on wednesday, spaghetti on thursday, spaghetti on friday..."
lolx!
Just hope nth goes wrong n she'll really get to move here in Feb or March... 6.6
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 8:47 PM
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Happy Birthday to Moi~
Phew. A marathon week of celebrations.
To cut short, there's the small celeb at BT wif Xiang on Tues; 'officially' celebrating as plan wif Xiang on Wed - seafood buffet at Vienna (the restaurant in Novenna that Mosses Lim advertises for on TV) n Paradigm at nite; went out wif Glo on Thurs; my traditional celebration yearly wif my family on the day of my birthday itself on Fri. AND then going down BT again after that cos Hairy(Xiang's bf) has planned a "surprise" for me wif BT's management (haha, i'm not supposed to noe about it. n seriously, i don't. i jus noe they must have smth up their sleeves. i was rite - cake, music n the works. but i was still plesantly n embarassedly surprised when they brought it out. told them not to chu pattern already, so paiseh...).
Brought my sis down BT too. Her first time at the new BT.
Haha, she's known as the "little one" there =p
Having an 'of age' sis like me sure has its perks - she must be the only 12-year-old-looking (serious. she's tt kiddish-looking) 16 yr-old gal to have entered so many pubs, clubs n discos cos of me. At any rate, she seems to enjoy going to these places more than me sometimes (-.-") keke ;)
Darren from BT brought the 3 of us gals out club-hopping after BT closed for the nite. You do not wan to noe how much he spent on cab fare that nite ferrying us from places to places (or how much he spent altogether tt nite for tt matter). We met up wif Ah hock n gang at Zenie Bar at Clark Quay. Went for supper of Teochew porridge at Bt Timah before Darren sent all of us home.
He's a nice guy. kao de zhu.
...but he really scared my sis wif his looks tho... 6.6
(ok, i shall not expound further)
But he pleased my sis to no end when he told her how mature she looked - like a 25 year old. *snorts bacardi coke thru my nose* >.<
Only my sis will be happy to receive such a compliment. lolx!
If someone told me i look like i'm 25....*thinks up a violent scene*
Apparently, he's qt charmed wif my sister - found her v. pretty.
Of cos ;)
Too bad. She's mine~!!
her future bf has to guo wo zhe guan first!
lolx! ;p
Hmmm. Took alot of photos this birthday.
At BT, Paradigm, and at home.
Been years since i've taken photos for my birthdays.
In fact, now i think of it, i dun have any photos of myslef since my hair grew. woah.
I love taking photos - they preserve the memories of happy occasions that can be so easily relieved jus by thumbing thru ya photo albums =)
I jus dun like how i turn out in photos -.-
Much as i love all the presents i received this year (yes! i got my hand-made cards i've been pestering everybody for!), i love everybody even more!!
For making my birthday this year such an enjoyable n memorable one.
*smilez* >.<
Will be meeting up wif more pple next week.
Huishi on mon, n Hanxiang tues or later :)
yup yup.
*smilez happily*
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 8:59 PM
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Night of Decadence
New Year's Eve yesterday, our last nite of work at BT.
Damn happening. The most crowded nite there since BT re-opened in Kebangan.
Haha, sure was fun ;D
Most pple only started pouring in around 11pm, n we had Judy (our ex-KJ from BT last time in Duxton Rd) behind the console again - the music was happening sia.
Really diff when she's the KJ (as compared to the amateurish works of the still 'apprenticing' Rose or Abby - our other colleagues).
Whoooh! The countdown was such a success!
Haha, she really noes how to create the atmosphere man ;p
As usual, after the countdown when the clock struck 12, there were bear hugs n wet kisses all ard :) Plus the crowd there last nite were nearly all old BT regulars...
Haha, really felt like the old BT man.
And it was Ben's birthday ytd too!
Is that a coincidence or wat?
Mrs chua onli told us bout it in the morn before we went for work, so xiang n i hadn't got time to prepare any elaborate gifts. but anyway, wat do u get a rich guy who supposedly has all the material aspects of life which he can get himself anyway?
So, in the end, after a short debate whether to get him a card, a cake, or wat not, we decided on these cakes from a bakery in Bukit Batok (near where xiang stays anyway) that sells these absolutely adorable miniature bday / all-purpose cakes - round, about 6-7cm across, n comes in more than two dozen flavours.
xiang dropped by the cake shop on our way to meet to go work n picked out three - mango, strawberry n blueberry-chocolate.
We weren't sure wat flavour Ben likes, so we chose a variety.
Turned out mango was his favourite flavour of cake ^.^
We gave Ben the cakes in secret when we reached BT (mrs chua has asked us not to let the other staff noe - this will jus be between the four of us).
Could see that he n mrs chua were very happy :)
So glad.
(keke, he really behaves like a kid when he's happy. so hyperactive =p n he's wat? 50 or so? lolx.)
We even sneaked in a few kisses, like one of our first time ever wif Ben.
lolx! ;p
But we only celebrated Ben's birthday way after midnite ytd (the day of his bday), when the crowd had thinned out about 3am.
Birthday song n everything. Still, a quieter event than the countdown.
Just as well. Since there wasn't enough cake to go ard =p
Spooned-fed everybody (or those near enough to me) but seemed like Ben n i were the ones who ate the most =p lol.
He was so happy with the cakes that we're so glad we got him that :)
We cut n ate two of the three cakes there at BT n left wif one which i insisted he brought home to eat himself. He kept reminding Mrs chua (as he was high near the end of the nite already) to remember to bring it back home so he can have it for breakfast.
So sweet of him :)
In the end, cos some customers lingered so late (-.-), xiang n i knocked off only at 5+ am. The rest of the staff had already went back, n we were wondering y (since they were the full-time staff n xiang n i were part-timers paid hourly, jus seemed more logical that they stayed n we left earlier to save costs), when mrs chua whispered to us that they were bringing us out for supper (or breakfast, since none of us expected that we'll be forced to close so late).
so touched~ X/
Went down Geylang to eat ;)
haha... an eye-opener sia.
it was nearly 6 when we reached, the time when the prostitutes were 'knocking off' for the day, and we saw alot of them from where we were eating o_O (woah... *raise eyebrows* some of them are soooo pretty sia, if i were a man my jaws wud be touching the ground. as it is, i'm wiping drool off my skirt every few minutes) as well as a couple of pimps (fuckers. the poor women worked so hard n here they were literally shaking their legs n living off their hard work n sacrifices. they're the ones we shd look down on).
Ah well.
By the time I reached home (ben n mrs chua got us a cab – it was too dangerous for jus the two of us gals standing on the roadside. Already we were getting a lot of stares n suggestive looks. It was Geylang after all. N we're practically fighting wif all the other prostitutes for a cab -.- man.), it was already 6.30am.
All in all, it had been a good nite n a really fun way to end 2004.
Smth I din expect since we've been giving all our eves of important occasions to work at BT for the past 2-3 years.
At least this last new year’s eve had ended on a truly enjoyable note :)
At least, the end of 2004 was a truly memorable one...
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU~
Hope 2005 will be a better year for all of us :)
//
Night of decadence.
Maybe I shdn't have done wat I have done. It sure dun mean anything to either of us.
Just a nite of fun. And abandon.
Still remembering some of the nite's events…
He was so sexy... And we were intoxicated.
Playing like that was pure spur of the moment. A novelty.
Wonder will i regret it in the near future? Maybe yes. Probably no.
Wonder will it change me?
Anyway. It'll be something to remember of the last of 2004...
+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 11:10 PM
