The Heart Keeps Beating

[ The Memories ]

Sunday, June 25, 2006

大姐大

One of the similarities that my two best frens and i share, though i wouldn't admit to it even if half the pple i noe tell me that to my face, is that we'd often been coined, mistakenly or otherwise, as Da Jie Da - Big Sisters. Of what, we dunno. But thats another matter.

I guess in some ways or other we do fit the bill.
All three of us are the eldest sisters in our families; we like to be in control of our environment; we bear (sometimes) huge resposibilities and the unknowing burden of unsaid and said expectations of us and our roles. Yet all these are quite common to us, having been brought up our whole lives as such. The deciding factor i suppose, is that these aspect of our personalities are unconsciously brought into our daily relationships with others too. Thats just an assumption to explain this bizarre conclusion of our personas of course. It could be our looks that factor in that wierd label or something else. I dunno.

But to do justice to my two best frens, i've to first proclaim that that's where the difference ends between the three of us.
I can't vouch for myself, since i wouldn't be able to humbly or otherwise describe myself in a way that wouldn't make me embarrass later on. But i can describe the different reactions we get when we, in pairs, interact with others - 1) when i'm with Xiangling, and 2) when i'm with Hanxiang.

Amongst the three of us, Hanxiang is the one with the most number of figure titles under her belt, being Captain of her volleyball teams in sec sch and JC, councillor, prefect, reps, and anything else i missed out. She's the responsible and nurturing one whom i feel really befitting the Big Sister label.

Xiangling and i on the otherhand, though we had our shares of being Monitress, Vice-head prefect, class reps, coordinators and such, wud gladly beg off our responsibilities if we're allowed. And we definitely seize the chance to break every rule in the schoolbook we're expected to enforce. (Which is probably why we fell from the good graces of our teachers to the black sheeps of the lot in the 12 years of education prior to our tertiery one, lolx!)

Roles of responsibilities still find us sometimes, though by then, we tot they should noe better. But Xiangling too, in comparison to me, did alot better taking on the tasks she's handed and usually takes them in her stride far, far more easily than others wud.

No, but most pple we know who labelled us as such did not know our school backgrounds. They have no way of knowing that Hanxiang was her sch's Captain, that Xiangling was Monitress or Vice-head prefect, or whether that i was a rep, a prefect or the basketball team's bench-warmer. I hear them especially alot with pple i've newly met and befriended, or as feedback from my sister or other frens who has frens who had seen or met me.
No, they dunno us really, but still they persist in thinking and blurting out suddenly and unexpectedly in our faces, almost as if they were unaware they were speaking out loud, but still shocking us speechless, things like,
"你很像大姐大leh!"

I share many similarities with each of the two of them; we have many similar likes and dislikes, value systems, opinions, intolerances; we share such a long history together that even our personalities fuse and our minds think as one sometimes. We think on the same wavelengths, and are so accustomed to it that sometimes, we get impatient when we have to face pple whose mind works in different wavelengths as us - even our own siblings sometimes!

But while the three of us are best frens, the difference of how other pple view us manifests itself, rather, in each of our individual and pair interactions with others.

These couple of years, i meet with each of them individually alot more often than the three of us as a group, and this difference is really quite insightful, though sometimes vexing.

Xiangling's bubbly and happy-go-lucky personality virtually screams, "I AM FRIENDLY!!! COME. TALK. TO. ME~!!!! =DDDDDDDD"

So while we're on a night out together, or just hanging out after school, work, during breaks or whenever jus the two of us are chilling out someplace, it is virtually impossible NOT to have pple come join us for a drink, sit with us for lunch, join us during breaks, or jus hanging on to our every exchange with the interest that wat one wud ordinarily give every move and exchange of two boxers in the last championship match (ok ok, i jest, but u get the idea).

THIS, despite my sombre expressions, anti-social persona, and jus the look that implies someone-has-died-and-we're-discussing-the-funeral, when we're toking about serious stuff and dun wan to be interupted sometimes!!!
Pple have told me i've looked quite forbidding and hard to approach when i put on that look, and with anybody else it wud have worked! But hardly ever wif Xiangling!

Apparently, the power of my black face is pathetically overpowered by her friendliness and approachability.

It is her blessing and my curse.

We have countless pple now who've told us that they love talking or hanging out with us (US??!! Yes, the two of us. They must have missed my grey looks in XL's radiance), that we're so interesting, so funny, our repartee so witty, our conversations so insightful and thought-provoking, that they miss us, and generally that they've never quite met gals like us before.

We have virtual strangers, acquaintances, or jus pple who dun figure in our conversations (our siblings, parents or frens) who wud suddenly tell us, in the midst of one of our exuberant conversations, to slow down our speech, because they can't hear us properly...?!! And we wud give each other the look, like, okay... jus how do they figure in this conversation anyway? Or sometimes, if its our family, we'll laugh and ask them "Why are u eavesdropping anyway?! I'm toking to Xiangling/Vivis wad!?"

We have ex-colleagues, sch-mates, etc sit with us after work or school jus listening in on our normal conversations with each other nearly every other day, discussing our family, bout certain pple, frenships, our opinions on certain matters, or tackle some issues, and they wud tell me or XL one day that they love hearing us talk.

Usually the answers are as expected now - something along the lines of "Because u two are so funny/ interesting/ crack me up, etc", but there was this once when an ex-colleague surprisingly replied that he liked listening to us discuss "the serious stuff".

Yes, now i know why my black looks dun work when we're toking about serious issues and the third party wun leave - apparently they are actually drawn to it!?

There are too many such cases to count, most of which usually leave me flabbergasted when i hear them. Especially if they made references to me, which i think must be a mistake.

Yes. I guess somewhere along the conveying lines, my anti-social signal has been whitewashed by XL's brilliantly colourful personality.

And occasionally... no, actually, more often than we like it or could comprehend, when they pop out something like "你们好像大姐大啊!" , we will be like... huh? siao arh.
And when they say we actually look very intimidating, very hard to approach, or get to know, or yeah lar, like 大姐大s (-.-), thats when i really ki siao inside my head - then why u all dare butt in in the first place?!!

Dun get me wrong, i love our mutual frens!
When we go out as a group, of cos we're in the mood for fun and companionship! :)

But when your frenship is as long as Xiangling and mine (close to 12 years now) and the inopportune interruptions seem never ceasing due to the unconscious friendly signal ya best fren keeps sending via pheromones, a baby face, a perpetual smile or watever, u will be vexed too.
U noe, jus like an unpleasant, grouchy parent (me) carrying a 10-month old baby (her) wud still always attract coos and aaahhs and smiles and baby-talk. (Hey! This analogy actually works really well!! *pats myself on the back* =D )

And then...arh.... there is Hanxiang.
Finally. A different story!! =)

When we talk in all seriousness, people keep a distance.

It had been like this since secondary school when we finally trully 'found' each other during our upper sec, when we were put together in the same class (we knew each other from sec 1 as a group wif XL and jess, but she wud tell u that she had hated me then. And I wud say honestly that i din give a shit about her then. Lolx!! Lovely pple, aren't we? = P Its a misunderstanding and a long story. But wad do u noe? Fate sure turn things around huh? Or maybe her 'hatred' is a love in disguise and she din noe it then...WAHAHAHAHAA~!!! Xp ).

I remember the two of us talking over the railings in the corridor outside our classroom during break, a few class girls wud run up to us and slap our shoulders in excitement, but watever they had to say wud die an early death halfway out their mouths when they saw that we were deep in conversation, and then bid a hasty "oh nvm, later".
And even if Hanxiang or i wud already be brought out of our preoccupation and wud kindly coax them to continue wat they had to ask or say, they wud apologetically or abashedly decline and ask us to carry on and they will tell us later.

Of course, i never realized it at that time, and its only in retrospect that i see the difference now.

It has continued to be this way with many other people even now when we meet so frequently out of school.

We often bump into ex-classmates, her juniors or ex-teammates, my school-mates or our siblings' frens, but when they excitedly flag us and approach us, and depending on the circumstances if they'd came in when we were in the middle of conversation (actually, any other time too, even if we're jus walking), they wud keep a respectful distance from us.

Yes, it feels weird to use that term 'respectful', but its the closest to describe that deferential, impersonal, psychological and intangible space they keep even tho the two pple in question may be chatting exuberantly in the manner of pple who have not seen each other for quite some time tend to do, and soon after, wud bid farewell in the manner that oso suggests that they shouldn't be intruding in on us.

That is not to say we were unfriendly or they were imposing on us. In fact, when they approach one of us, and the other, lets say me, wud be all polite smiles, knowing that this other person is a fren or acquaintance of my best fren, and i should not and could not bring myself to put on a sullen air of disinterest and jus turn my back and walk away (as i noe a lot of pple do when their bf/ gf/ fren/ sibling's frens approach them n chat).

See??! But they wun pull out a seat to stay n chat or follow us around wordlessly while we walk around like some wud do with XL and me!

Hanxiang and i have our own explainations for these interesting phenomenons, but this post is long-winded enough without my adding every hows and whys to it.

See the difference between our interactions with others when its me & Xiangling and when its me & Hanxiang?!!!

I din even have to put on a black face and the pple scatter like rabbits when i will them to!!
(Very convenient.)
Wif XL, i can put on Bao Qing Tian's (Justice Bao's) black opera mask in broad daylight and Xiangling's radiant "I AM FRIENDLY!!! COME. TALK. TO. ME~!!!!" will still sunblind them to my wat-i-tot-was-obvious air of this-is-a-private-conversation, and draw them to us like flies to honey.

Ermm... no prizes guessing which effect Vivis prefers over the other.

Like i said, i like our mutual frens.
But i do generally prefer to be given some personal space when i'm deep in conversations talking about some serious issues, and that we be left to our ruminations.

Ah well. Maybe thats why the power that be has given me two best frens - too much of a good thing may not feel that good and bad things may not neccessarrily feel bad.

Okay, i've gone off in my own little world and digressed magnificently again. Typical.

On my way back home jus now, I just told my sis i'm tired and thirsty and have a craving for some premium, branded ice-cream since we'd walked for half the day through town n asked her if we should go buy some, and she smacked my head one side.

I get NO RESPECT around here!!
Wad 大姐大?!

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 11:54 PM

Saturday, June 24, 2006

A late night's road trip

We're getting to an age where frens our age start driving their own or their dad's cars already.
Its a bloody marvellous feeling i tell u, not to mention a bit surreal.

Ok, lets not tok about those American/ Italian/ Caucasian brats who can learn, pass their test and drive all within a week with minimum fees (learning from their mum/dad/sch-arranged lessons, forking out US$50 fuckin bucks for their practical test, passing and buying their first Volvo, all within the same fuckin week - yeah yeah, thats jealousy and incredulity u smell in the air), or those ABC (or any other variety of spoilt and money-laden but with fuck-zero value system) brats born with a gold/silver spoon in their mouth who have parents who wud willingly pave their paths with George Washingtons or Yusoff Ishaks and easily give in to their precious child's whining and coddling and buy that second car which the family doesn't need (but maybe persuaded into thinkin hey, we can afford it, and mum can take it grocery shopping too! and oh, maybe i can use it when no one else's using? ain't that grand!), and which the 18-22year old brat, who's probably still in sch, who hasn't even started working yet and dunno for fuck the value of hard-earned money, sure as hell dun need with the abundance of public transport in Singapore.

But normal pple like us, those of us who've undergone at least a full year if not more (which is usually the case) from taking the Basics Theory exam, to finally taking and passing the stringent Practical exams after going for countless lessons and failing numerous practical exams and in the course of it all, spending wat u could make a downpayment for a secondhand car already (again, in Singapore only. In the States or elsewhere? U can get a fuckin BMW with jus the amount it wud cost to get the car's COE in Singapore).

Of course, this is only spoken by someone who had to hear about the difficulties of learning how to drive from those around her. U dun wan to hear me really when I START my practical lessons (been postponing it for two years now, but now that i'm nearing the end of my uni life, its time to start thinkin about it...).

Anyway, i digress.
Well, as i was saying, its a bloody marvellous thing to sit in a car driven by someone u've known half ya life, whom u tot u knew, but suddenly seem to sparkle when they're in the driver's seat, like a totally different person, manouvering that circular piece of filmsy and seemingly irrelevant piece of wood and plastic, and the tires are actually moving beneath you, and u're travelling on the road, wrapped in a metal and leather encasement that seems to defy gravity and every other physics law as it moves forward, propelled by wat, u think, must be a miracle.

The incredible feeling starts to fade after awhile though, as perhaps 20mins later u find yourselves lost, and in addition to the darkness of night with too few road lamps, trapped in a growing downpour with window-wipers that aren't working perfectly, and the loud, excited and exuberant laughters turned to loud strings of curses, and your plans to go to the West Coast Park for supper ended up as late night MacDonald's at King Albert Park.

Thus marks the first of the life-endandering stunts i've sworn (jokingly) that i wun particpate in until their Beginner's Triangle gets removed - bout one year after they get their driver's license at least. Having eaten those words, now i'm jus conceding to wear seatbelts instead (that are hopefully reinforced) throughout the whole journey, even for those sitting in the backseats.

When we were on the return journey back home in the wee hours of the morning, it suddenly dawned on us that.... hey, my mum din put up any resistance when i suddenly jumped up and raced to my sis to tell her to get ready cos Xiang and David, who had jus gotten his license, is driving his dad's car and we're going for supper!

Amazing. She had just put her two only offsprings at the mercy of a newbie driver who had only taken to the road twice by himself, is short-sighted but does not wear glasses, goes up curbs when parking, has his sister to give him road directions, and nevertheless still got ourselves to some godforsaken place, got lost, and in the end spent wat shd be a fifteen mins car journey from Bukit Panjang to West Coast Park into a thirty mins one with many U-turns that ended up in Bukit Timah.

I'm already looking forward to the hour-plus journey Xiang is going to take us on when she eventually gets her license (and if i dare to put my rear in her car with reinforced seatbelts) and drives the normally fifteen-mins-by-car journey from my home to some great makan places for supper.

*beams*

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 5:47 PM

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Post-exams

Exams been over a week.
And for the past six days, i had:

met up with Hanxiang (as usual, haha)
met up wif Elizabeth (>.<)
met up with Huishi and Ashley (^^)
ate excellent sushi at the marvellous Ichiban Boshi @ the Esplanade
satisfied all the wierd little food cravings i had fantasized about while mugging for exams (kfc, mos, chocolate fudge cake, mango mousse cake, alfredo spaghetti, century egg and lean meat porridge,smelly tofu, taiwan pizza, etc, the list goes on...)
finished four books (Digital Fortress by Dan Brown; Mary, Marry by James Patterson; a celebrity biography on Ah*Du - i was farkin bored, yes - ; and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See)
watched X-men 3 and The Da Vinci Code
dyed my hair
and procastinated running and swimming for six days now... Lolx!! =p

Yup, life is good.
In fact, the change of pace from that long mugging one-month plus is so drastic it still feels quite surreal to sit here in front of the monitor typing trivialities into my blog instead of constantly having the next exam on my mind even while i'm taking a one-hour break away from studying watching tv.

Its quite disorienting to suddenly have so much time on my hands again, especially when i have nothing in particular i want to do now. Without the pressure of a deadline, and with all the freedom to choose to do wat i wan now, suddenly the idea of all those tv shows i swore i cant miss, the PC or internet games i've been hankering to play during my exam period, the storage of manga building up in my disk drive, and the volumes of books, novels and manga cluttering my bookshelf i've been looking so longingly forward to read, suddenly all lose the glow they seem to emanate during those mugging days.

Shows u nothing is as indispensable as u think, or if u have many choices to choose from eh?

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 2:01 AM

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Picture perfect

10-6-2006. The Esplanade.

Tell me this is not the most perfect photo taken man!!
Perfect perfect perfect.
Got feeeeel man!!
My creative genius and the perfect model/ subject.
Lolx.
If i get to be good enuf, this photo will be part of my blog layout soon.
(Someone point me out in the direction of a good tutorial in blog designing!)
Oooh! Perfect perfect perfect~~ X)

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 11:52 PM

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Bring on the wine!

Exams officially over.

30 days. My longest exam span ever.
And that isn't even including when i started studying.

My mum has gone to Malaysia for a few days... and when the cat's away, the mice comes out to play...

It isn't even 10.30am yet this morning when my dad suggested breaking out our red wine, decidedly i suppose, to celebrate the end of my exams.

(But somehow, the fact that the wine was already pre-chilled and that my dad's wine glass was always fuller than ours makes me think someone is jus looking for an excuse to consume alcohol before its even noon.

And the toothy grins in response to my observation weren't exactly denials either.)

When I pointed out, after half a glass, that I would actually prefer Ribena if all I'm having are crushed grapes anyway, my sister's insistence that red wine is really good for my health and alittle-too-liberal refilling of my glass seems to make her happy as a lark.

I'm not clear... Who are they rewarding exactly?

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 11:17 PM

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Epidermis

My sis and i were talking about computers and IT in the kitchen jus now when i commented that
"I'm like the man in the family cos there's no other man around!"

It was a casual remark regarding the fixing of computer and tech staff in our home (i noe we have my dad, but he's next to useless with computers and IT stuff), but then i realised it so fits my role at home in general.

And my sister seconded the notion.

My mum was in the kitchen but she kept quiet too.

Ironically, it was a remark Hanxiang had also made in bemusement not two days ago when she overheard a phone conversation between my mum and i when she (my mum thats it) called to consult me over some stuff.

Damn it.

There is self-sufficiency, and then there is involuntary, imperative, environment enforcing, u-will-die-unless-u-do-it-yourself-since-there's -no-one-else-whom-u-can-rely-on self-sufficiency.

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 11:55 PM

Friday, June 02, 2006

Five-sixths done

Two 3-hours papers on the same day, one after the other.

And i lived through it all to my surprise!!
*pats myself on the back*

No splitting headaches, hurling up of my breakfast on the exam hall floor, standing on the exam table and raging to the heavens (or at the invigilators at any rate), or being reduced to a defeated heap at the desk as i had expected.

I know many pple din made it through both papers, but its all rite, there's always next year! :)

Truth be told, the anticipation of the day itself was worse than the process - the hours fly by once u're furiously scribbling at the desk.

(I was never good at time-management, i'm not those who can sit back, yawn, writes slowly n easily, produce good essays and finish the paper with 45mins to spare...*cues cursing at these pple* The very least they can do is have some arrangements made to donate those needless 15mins, 30mins or 45mins to me rite?!*)

Its the anticipation of the horror to come (how am i going to make it through two heavy papers on the same day?! I am never able to slp well (if at all) the nite before exams! I get nauseaous when i dun get enuf slp! And i'll hurl in the middle of exams n embarrass myself as well as inconvenient quite a number of pple! I get headaches after every paper so how am i going to get through my second one? I have no time for revision in between my papers! Heck revision! I'm not even done studying enough to take an examination!) always seem more accute and dreadful than the process itself. In fact, half of the battles are in your head even before u start the drills.

At least its over now n i've unexpectedly made it through.

Last paper on 7th June and then its World Cup mania. I'll be eating peanuts, guzzling beer and shouting at the television set along with half the civilized world soon.
Heck, i may even do it in Malaysia wif my cousins if i do go visit my relatives after my exam ends.
If not, any pubs or kopitiams or sleepovers will do.

Your Inner Blood Type is Type B

You follow your own rules in life, even if you change the rules every day.
Sure, you tend to be off the wall and unpredictable, but that's what makes you lovable.
And even though you're a wild child, you have the tools to be a great success.
You are able to concentrate intently - and make the impossible possible.

You are most compatible with: B and AB

Famous Type B's: Leonardo Di Caprio and

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

Hmmm?

+ Ursula r e m e m b e r s again + 3:26 AM